Divorce is tough on everyone. Often our kids feel it the most and have the fewest coping skills.
While you can’t make it all “okay,” you can make the process a little less overwhelming for them. There is no one “right way” to talk to your kids – it’s different for every family and every situation. And every one of us mamas is different.
Here’s to supporting you with some tips on how to handle those big conversations:
Keep it simple and honest
Skip the messy details. Kids DO NOT need or want a play-by-play of what went wrong. Stick to the basics and give them information that matters to them.
Divorce can be a whirlwind of emotions for kids. Their world, once anchored by the love and security of married parents, suddenly feels uncertain. Some blame themselves, thinking they somehow caused the split, and others worry for their safety and stability. For many, there’s a heartbreaking deep-down fear: If my parents can stop loving each other, could they stop loving me too?
Reassure your kids—often and lovingly—that your love for them is unshakable. Be patient with their questions and emotions, and let them know it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling.
Let them talk
Remember to keep this a conversation, not a one-way lecture. Encourage your kids to share how they’re feeling and ask questions. Validate their emotions—whether they’re sad, mad, or confused.
Check in regularly and, if appropriate, share some of your feelings – “I’m also very sad, and I know I am strong enough to get through this.” You are their anchor (even if it feels anything but!) and we know you can do it. This is where finding your own support is super important – check out Find A Professional to find therapists and coaches to support you.
Share your calm, don’t join their chaos
Your emotions set the tone. If you’re calm, they’ll feel safer. If you’re overwhelmed, they might worry even more. Their anxiety will increase and they will become more disregulated.
Reaffirm and celebrate what has NOT changed – You both love them deeply, they did nothing wrong, you’ll get through this together.
At the end of the day, what your kids need most is your love, stability, and reassurance. They’ll take their cues from you, so lead with calm, confidence, and compassion. You’ve got this. 💪
Keep it short and sweet
Here’s what kids DON’T need – They don’t need to be dragged into the divorce process. They don’t need to feel like referees. They don’t need the nitty gritty details and play-by-play.
Here’s what kids DO need – Reassurance that their world isn’t ending—it’s changing. Affirmation that they are loved and safe. Words of encouragement that yes this is hard, and they’re resilient like you.
Talk to them as a team
If possible, have the conversation together, as a united front. Show them that yes, things are changing, and yes, you’re still a team when it comes to parenting. Blaming or badmouthing the other parent? Avoid it at all costs. Kids see themselves as part of both parents, so criticism can feel personal.
Remind them that they don’t have to “choose sides” and can love both parents freely. They may now have two homes, but their love for you both remains whole. Create space and safety for them to feel all their feelings without fear that they’ll hurt one of their parents.
Divorce is a big adjustment for everyone, but with your steady support, they’ll feel safe, loved, and secure, even as things change.
You’ve got this, and so do they. 💛