You’ve heard these words and they’re a little scary. Joint custody. Sole custody. Legal custody. Physical custody. What does any of this really mean? And how do you begin?
Custody confusion stops here. We decode the legal jargon and make sense of what they actually mean for you and your family. 👇
Custody 101
Custody is the care and guardianship of someone or something. In the context of families in divorce, custody refers to parental responsibility for a child.
Divorcing parents need to develop a plan for their children’s care. They’ll ask and answer questions like, Where will the kids live? Who directs their extracurricular activities? Where and how will they be educated? How much time will each parent have with their children? All these questions (and many more!) are answered during the divorce process.
Before you can decide who calls the shots, you’ll need to answer the big legal question: who has legal and physical custody?
Legal custody
Legal custody refers to the parent’s authority to makes big life decisions for the child. 👇
💡 Health and medical care (Ie. Choice of doctors, type of care, whether or not to be vaccinated)
💡 Educational choices (IE where they go to school, the type of school, additional resources etc)
💡 Religious and cultural decisions
Most married parents make big parenting decisions together and that usually doesn’t change after divorce. The family court systems prefers joint legal custody, where both parents share in the decision making. Generally, they believe both parents have a fundamental right to shape their child’s life, even when they’re no longer together.
Yes, courts prefer both parents to have a say, but that’s not always what’s best for the kids. A judge may award sole legal custody to one parent when the other has a history of abuse, neglect, serious mental health or substance issues, or simply isn’t involved in the child’s life. Sole legal custody gives one parent all of the decision making power.
In some high-conflict situations, one parent tries to weaponize the court system and process, in order to create chaos, exert control, or inflict harm. In these extreme cases, a judge may step in and grant sole custody, in order to keep things stable for the children.
Physical custody
Physical custody refers to where the child actually lives day to day. It dictates which parent’s home is the child’s primary residence and who handles the daily care.
With shared physical custody (aka joint custody) kids split their time between both parents. It gives them two real homes and two actively involved parents. Many states assume joint custody is best, but joint doesn’t always mean a perfect 50/50 split. Parents need to work together to decided what’s best for their kids and families, and what will work in real life.
With sole physical custody, a child lives full-time with one parent and the other parent typically gets scheduled visitation. It’s less common, but provides a good solution in some situations, such as when parents live far apart or when one parent isn’t able to provide safe & stable care due to housing issues, mental health challenges, or substance abuse.
Custody varies by state
Custody laws vary from state to state.
Some start with a legal presumption that joint custody is best, while others focus first on the child’s best interests. Each state has its own rules about details such as parenting time, decision-making authority, and custody awards. Your key to success is to understand the laws in your state before making any custody decisions.
👉 Get started on understanding the laws in your state with Child Custody: Summaries of State Law.
Parenting plans are crucial
📣 “We’ll figure it out” is NOT a strategy. 📣
Navigating custody and coparenting without a plan is a recipe for chaos. We know, we know, it sounds dramatic, but it’s true! Every verbal commitment, vague promise, unspoken expectation, forgotten agreement, or simple miscommunication? That’s tomorrow’s argument waiting to happen. Without a solid parenting plan, you’re basically co-parenting on hope and a handshake.
Your solution = A Strong Parenting Plan!
A strong plan takes the guesswork out of everything (think school nights, holidays, pick-ups, emergencies.) It’s an agreed-upon, written agreement down that spells it all out and acts as your roadmap.
Custody isn’t one-size-fits-all. Whether it’s shared or sole, physical or legal, the focus is always the same: what supports the child’s well-being and keeps them connected to both parents in the healthiest way possible.
What else can you do?!
Stay strong and powerful. Divorce is tough. You’re tougher.
