Moms! Let’s normalize something. When your kids are with their other parent it’s normal to feel a mix of emotions – loneliness, worry, relief, sadness, joy, or guilt (for feeling joy at the prospect of quiet time!) Co-parenting after divorce is a big adjustment and figuring out how to manage your own feelings AND concerns about parenting differences can feel overwhelming. Let’s own the overwhelm together, take a breath, and practice taking it one step at a time.
What do I do when my kids are with my ex?
That first moment alone can be terrifying and thrilling and everything in between. Remind yourself this is a huge change and give yourself grace, because it takes time to adjust.
Reconnect with yourself. Check in on who you are as a person now. Have you changed? Are their parts of you that you let go or pushed aside while married and raising children? What do you want to do and who do you want to be? Big questions we know! Connecting with who you are, your values, and your goals is super powerful.
Go all in on soothing yourself. Do something that feels good or recharging .. walk in nature, read a book, exercise, have a coffee. Bonus points if you can let go and enjoy it.
Surround yourself with people who love you. It’s easy to feel lonely and isolated when your kids are away. The best antidote is to connect with your people.
Make a plan. For the organized mamas out there, take a moment to write out what you plan to do during this time, no matter what it is. The activity you choose doesn’t matter (it can be sleep!) as much as the planning because it signals to our brain that we are being purposeful and making intentional choices in line with our values. And that always brings ease to our body.
Practice handling all of the feelings
The emotional rollercoaster of co-parenting is real. Full stop. What you do with the feelings and for yourself are what will make the difference long term.
Speak and own your emotions. Name your feelings and then, instead of pushing them away, give yourself permission to sit with them and feel them. Not only is it ok to have all these emotions, they are felt by everyone! You are not alone.
Process it. Write it in a journal, create art, talk to a friend, shout into the air, work with a therapist – whatever you choose, get the energy out into the world. Just saying it aloud can bring so much relief.
Focus on what you can control. There is SO much you can’t control (like what happens at your co-parent’s house) so focus on what you CAN control. Create the home environment you want for your kids. Nurture and love and support them the way you can. And remind yourself that your love is the constant anchor in their life.
What if I’m concerned about my co-parent’s parenting skills?
One of the hardest parts of co-parenting is accepting that you and your co-parent might have different approaches when it comes to rules, routines, or boundaries. It’s natural and normal to worry about how these differences may affect your kids, and it’s not healthy for you to obsess over it.
Pick your battles. We’ve heard this phrase a million times, and once again it rings true! Not every disagreement needs to be addressed. Ask yourself, “Is this an issue of safety or well-being?” If the answer is “no” then this may be the time you let go of something for the sake of the co-parenting relationship.
Communicate with respect. If something is concerning and you’ve decided to address it, leading with “I” statements and questions is the best way forward. For example, instead of saying, “you never stick to their bedtime!” try, “I’m noticing the kids are so tired after late nights. I believe it’s important to both of us for the kids to get good sleep. Can we work together on creating and sticking to a bedtime routine?“
Focus on what you can control. Take a deep breath and accept what you can’t control. If they are safe at your co-parent’s home, your best work is in learning to accept it and soothe yourself. Remind yourself that you’re an amazing parent and your influence is strong and constant, it can’t be undone.
What to do when you don’t agree
Disagreements about parenting will happen – it doesn’t mean anyone is failing, it means you both care and are trying! Once you accept that there will be conflict, you can focus on managing it.
Focus on your shared goals. Most of the time, you and co-parent will want what’s best for the children. Keep this common ground in mind during discussions and it will foster more collaboration. If it helps, say it aloud before each discussion and remind each other that you are on the same team when it comes to the children.
Use “I” statements. Accusing with words or tone rarely works well for any of us. Start tricky conversations with phrases like, “I’m worried about how much screen time they are getting because it is affecting their sleep” or ” I’d like to get on the same page about how we discipline the kids.“
Consider working with an expert. If the disagreements are too frequent, too large, or too far beyond your capacity, it’s time to call in an expert. They provide neutral ground for having the hard talks and creating solutions. Check out Find A Professional page for great referrals.
Supporting your kids through it all
Your kids win when they see their parents working together. Even if disagreements happen behind the scenes! Here’s a few tips for continuing to support them during these times –
- Keep the lines of communication open and remind them that they can always tell you anything
- Avoid talking negatively about your co-parent
- Reassure them that they are loved, safe, and stable
Co-parenting well is rarely easy, but always worth it
Co-parenting well requires patience, compromise, self-awareness, and resilience. It challenges you, and also gives you the chance to grow as a parent and a person.
♥️ You don’t have to do it perfectly, you just have to do it with love ♥️